[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
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My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Woke up against my better judgment again
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together