@Ygrene

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

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@a_simpl_man

My car is always beeping at me when I do something wrong. Wear a seat belt ding ding ding stay in your lane ding ding ding.
I want my car to say: that was a sick traffic maneuver, I wonder if anyone shit their pants

@OfficeofSteve

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

@heyevergreen

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

@stats_canada

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@coolauntV

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

@BestestNerdDad

When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.

@kristensauce

Things Red Bull has given me:
1) jitters
2) diarrhea
3) a heart attack

Things Red Bull has not given me:
1) wings

@shawnspree

My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground

*sighs

*kicks can