My car is always beeping at me when I do something wrong. Wear a seat belt ding ding ding stay in your lane ding ding ding.
I want my car to say: that was a sick traffic maneuver, I wonder if anyone shit their pants
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.
Things Red Bull has given me:
3) a heart attack
Things Red Bull has not given me:
My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground