[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

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My car is always beeping at me when I do something wrong. Wear a seat belt ding ding ding stay in your lane ding ding ding.
I want my car to say: that was a sick traffic maneuver, I wonder if anyone shit their pants


I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park


Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.


It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity


Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job


When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.


Things Red Bull has given me:
1) jitters
2) diarrhea
3) a heart attack

Things Red Bull has not given me:
1) wings


My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground


*kicks can