[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello