[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
secret recipe
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
What the dentist sees
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.