@Ygrene

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!

@madeleinedoux

[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

@iGreenMonk

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@rajandelman

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

@MarfSalvador

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

@pekin83

I don’t get how people still get attacked by sharks. DON’T THEY HEAR THE MUSIC?

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

@JesKeepSwimming

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.