Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine
Her: Are you narrating this date?
David: It was the only thing he knew to do
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.