[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
That’s it


Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries


Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.


David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine

Her: Are you narrating this date?

David: It was the only thing he knew to do


WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.


My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.


me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?


I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.


I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.