@Ygrene

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

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@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@jazmasta

Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries

@weinerdog4life

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

@ThaJawn

David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine

Her: Are you narrating this date?

David: It was the only thing he knew to do

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

@LeoLion_16

My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.

@kieransofar

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

@Bryainiac

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

@ddsmidt

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.