[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match