@Ygrene

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@SkinnerSteven

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

@jjhartinger

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

@XplodingUnicorn

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

@notmythirdrodeo

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

@rcromwell4

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@LizHackett

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.