What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.