[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

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*Opens Fortune Cookie*
‘We’ve updated our Privacy Policy’


My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken


Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??


have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…


My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.


Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?



Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.



I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.


Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?