@Ygrene

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

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@1oftheKates

*Opens Fortune Cookie*
‘We’ve updated our Privacy Policy’

@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

@lunch_enjoyer

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

@cravin4

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

@DaHess1

Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.

Signed,
Everyone

@Pumpkinbabypie

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

@mommajessiec

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?