*Opens Fortune Cookie*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
We never really turn the phones off.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?