[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
synchronized noseblowing
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
wut hotdog?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this