[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.