[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.