I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
A small tragedy.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.