*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
The glockness monster
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?