[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to