[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
🖤✌🏽
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking