[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*