[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks


I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.


*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!


Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks


I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.


*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*


“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”