the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
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I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”