Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
This kid will have a bright future.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted