@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
[murdering intensifies]

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I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

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Me: My driving test went really badly

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them: is that a real sword

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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
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I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.

@Elizasoul80

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

@Shut_up_Marissa

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend