I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: hey stop for a sec
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
are they bowling to represent soup??? or to win soup???
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can’t remember the lyrics.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend