[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’