After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.