When God sends confusion into the camp of your enemies
me: tell my gf i love her
murderer: *removes mask to reveal it’s my gf* awww, you love me
me: *dying breath* i…think..we…should…see…other.. people..
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.