@SwoleOctopus

[being murdered]

me: tell my gf i love her

murderer: *removes mask to reveal it’s my gf* awww, you love me

me: *dying breath* i…think..we…should…see…other.. people..

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@krisv_723

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@HenpeckedHal

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake

@bigmacher

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

@ArfMeasures

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@sarcasm_inc

[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
-Got ID?
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal

@amydillon

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.