Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
This hospital has everything
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
This could’ve been an email.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone