@bngzyface

[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.

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@sarcasticmommy4

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

@Iwriteforcats

The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.

@Sarcasticsapien

My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn’t there is writing about it.

@mrjohndarby

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

@JillianKarger

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

@1CleverGirl1

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

@tastefactory

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

@AlexRogaski

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

@Phook75

The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says “Cheese!” My immediate response is “Where!!”