[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Always
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE