[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Every work call, he judges.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.