maybe the sock wants to be single you don’t know
me: this is free, right?
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employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”
Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.