[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

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employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce


My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.


What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously


Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.


When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”


“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”

Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”