[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

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When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.


INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?

ME [shrugs] Months ago

INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed

ME: Oh no I’m still employed


I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.


*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.


WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back


Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.


Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.


Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write ‘would of’ instead of ‘would have’ as human shields.