When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.
me: this is free, right?
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INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?
ME [shrugs] Months ago
INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed
ME: Oh no I’m still employed
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
ayo new guy—who’re you?
“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
This makes me crack up every time I see it.
Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write ‘would of’ instead of ‘would have’ as human shields.