[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Britain be like
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?