My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel