[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson