[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Stop sending me this shit.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.