just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.