[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
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Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
just left a huge legacy in there
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.