@Kateness8

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

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@Steven37366100

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

@TweetPotato314

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

@UncleDuke1969

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

@meowkenxing

the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl

@bylinetd

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

@Thynebear

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.