@Kateness8

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

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@AliyanShaikh

Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.

@dlockw21

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

@HopeUproar

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

@mom_ontherocks

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

@BRENTHOR

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

@Go2Slp

4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes

@TheChalupa1

I’m sorry I started making smores while your house was burning down

@Jamberee13

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out