[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Doggies just call it style.
Of course I’m wet baby, the heat index is 109 degrees.