Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
4: can we name the baby Yoko?
Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name
4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?
I’m sorry I started making smores while your house was burning down
I am a(n):
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out