being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

You Might Also Like


[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?


wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that


Kanye West Presents:



“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”


the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl


I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.


Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?


Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.