Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them