@buckweiser13

Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.

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@jonnysun

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

@theguywitheyes

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

@MomOnFire

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@qwertying

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

@MuttCutts

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

@Chhapiness

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory