6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.
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When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since
Him: I don’t trust myself round you
Her(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?