@CanadianCyn

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

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@eddiesteadyno

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

@behindyourback

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

@robfee

Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

@wolfpupy

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

@ilovepie84

Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@StellaGMaddox

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!