Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
You deplete me
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!