I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
inventing words: clothing
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.