Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A panda with a set of drums.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.