being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

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Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.


This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.


I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”


Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.


I’m sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.


me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?


ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”


[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself


“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”