@seamussaid

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

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@DaNaLa13

You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!

– women

@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

@ElliotHetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@thepatrickwalsh

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.