being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
The real reason evolution started..😂
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now