being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain