Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

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daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao


Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times


I go to McDonald’s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car


Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses


In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.


My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.


*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’








‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?


Pizza Hut?


My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.


Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”