Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”