@TuffyNyC

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

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@daemonic3

daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao

@RantingOwl

Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times

@YesIamThatGuy

I go to McDonald’s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car

@ibid78

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses

@AristotlesNZ

In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.

@girl_a_whirl

My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.

@mydmac

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

@Rollinintheseat

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”