daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2
me: frozen to what lol
daughter: dad i’m serious!
me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about
daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I go to McDonald’s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses
In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.
My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.
*uneasily answers phone
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”