me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look