Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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You’ve been robbed by *360 spin*
A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away….the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
ME: oh yeah do you like that
ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.