[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.