[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I needed a laugh this morning.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.