[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
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*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
WWE is French for “yes”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater