[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
and this one
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝