Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
those birds must be on payroll
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.