@sophielou

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

- @sophielou

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@dongfuture

*stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe

*takes off shoe, shakes it upside down*

*Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*

@iwearaonesie

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

@ChrisHallbeck

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

@goose2448

Some woman honked and shot me the bird in the McDonald’s drive thru because I was taking too long to order. So I paid for her food….

Then when I got to the food window I showed them both receipts and took her food.

I paid for it. It’s mine.

Not today, Satan.

@Kyle_Lippert

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@michaelianblack

Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.

@GoldenSpirals

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.