*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working