Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.