[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
🚲+physics = winner
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride