@amselts

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

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@heatherlou_

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@gabbazaba

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

@Lisabug74

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

@dumbbeezie

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@TheBoydP

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

@MiddlingMs

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

@SlayerSays

You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.