“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…
Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants
adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym
– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.