Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
The Birdles
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.