@Office_Dolt

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

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@TechnicallyRon

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

@daemonic3

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

@FilthyRichmond

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.

@adamgreattweet

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@eedrk

adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym

@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.