Running from your problems is cardio .
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go