[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE


Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.


Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.

This divorce thing is really working out for me.


*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*


Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.


If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”


Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.


Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.


This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain