[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

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Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.


*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.


Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.


I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations


Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.


Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters


It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”


Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.