Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
water it, i dare you
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Story of my life…..
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.