[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.