@LlamaInaTux

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

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@DrakeGatsby

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

@robfee

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

@vikkaroni

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

@causticbob

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

@Stap_Jr

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

@somecleverthing

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what